We are who we choose to be.
Sure, circumstances constrain our choices to an extent. I can choose to be someone who can fly or breathe underwater without the aid of any technology, but that's not realistic. It's also not what I'm talking about. :) In matters of character, we are who we choose to be. No circumstance or other person can define us unless we allow them to do so. Only we can define ourselves. Only we have that power.
It can be exceedingly difficult to develop character traits in opposition to one's circumstances. To be trusting of people despite being a long-time abuse victim, for instance. No one said it would be easy. No one said it would be fast. We are, after all, works in continual progress, whether we choose to be or not. On that one point, we do not have a choice. ;) But since we must walk a path of progress, it seems better to choose with eyes open the path of progress we will walk, does it not?* For if we decline to choose, our path will be chosen for us by circumstances and other people; at that point, we will have handed over our power and allowed outside forces to tell us who we are, and that path won't necessarily lead anywhere we would like to go.
Yes, no one said it would be easy or fast. However, no one said that developing your desired character traits is necessarily something you have to do alone. For instance, when someone's been through trauma, they often can use some help working through the effects of that trauma. Having done so will allow one to more freely choose who one wants to be. That's just one example. Regardless of one's circumstances, everyone can benefit from support, be it from a counselor, a clergy member, a family member, a friend, or someone completely unexpected. Everyone can also sometimes benefit from guidance, and guidance can sometimes be found in the most unlikely sources...but that's a post for another day.
My best friend has this truly frustrating habit. I'll be talking with him about a personal shortcoming or flaw and say, "I don't want to be like that." His answer? "Then don't." Like it's that simple! Like I can just turn off at will the things I don't like about myself! Like I'd know where to begin!
But you know what? He's right. (He usually is. :P)
Here's what I was missing: the key isn't to focus on getting rid of the aspects of your character you don't like. The key is to replace those aspects with the aspects you want to have instead. Don't like being impatient? Instead of focusing on getting rid of impatience, focus on fostering patience.
Getting rid of a character flaw is like digging a hole in very fine sand. You can dig and dig, but the hole will just keep filling itself back in because there's nothing keeping it from doing so. Instead of digging a hole first so you can put something better in it later, start putting the something better in first, and it will displace the sand on its own.
Developing one's character is a lifelong process, and some parts of the process will happen more naturally, quickly, and effortlessly than others. But they're all worthwhile. The good news is it's never too late to start, and there's no deadline. No one can tell you, "You have to develop patience by 5pm tomorrow." You take a few steps forward, a few steps back; it's tough; it gets frustrating. What matters is that you keep going.
Will you get there eventually? Yes and no. Will you eventually get to a point where--if we continue with the example of patience--you're patient far more often than not? If you keep focusing on developing that trait within yourself, then yes. Will you get to a point where you're always patient? Probably not. We're people, and people are imperfect; we stumble from time to time. That's okay.
Here's the thing: we have to wake up to ourselves every day, look ourselves in the mirror every day*, and spend every waking moment with ourselves. When we spend time with our loved ones, we can choose who this person is that they're spending time with, how they walk away feeling, and the experiences they'll walk away having had. We may as well choose something we like, no?
*All references to walking, looking, etc. are figurative and are meant with absolutely no disrespect to anyone who is visually or mobility impaired.
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