We are who we practice being.
Not just when there are other people around, but also in the moments when no one's looking--mostly in the moments when no one's looking--that's when we define who we are.
The ramifications of this are staggering.
Every word, every action, every thought contributes to who we are.
What we watch, what we listen to, what we read, what kinds of characters we play in games...they contribute to who we are.
Am I one of those people who think that rock music and video games create mass murderers? I cannot answer "NO" emphatically enough. I prefer rock, and I'm a gamer. I am not, however, a mass murderer, nor do I ever plan to be one. I think I'm pretty darn far from being one, in fact. Because, as we discussed in part one, we are who we choose to be; outside forces don't define us unless we let them. And anyone who blames music or video games for the choices a person makes is shirking responsibility and missing the point...but that's a post for another day.
The choices we make--even the tiny ones that don't seem to matter--matter.
A path that gets used over and over again becomes worn into the grass and into the dirt, and walking on it becomes easier over time than walking off the path; it's smooth and well-packed and travels well. Our brains, being the marvels that they are, create paths in much the same way. Have you ever learned a new task, one that had many steps or was rather complex? You were probably slow and clumsy at first, but with repetition you became quick, efficient, confident; you could perform the task with minimal thought and effort; it became second nature. That path had become well-established.
We develop those same paths as we create our character traits. If we practice being pessimistic or mean on a regular basis, those are the paths we'll wear into our brains. And once we wear a path, learning a new path can become quite the challenge.
But that's the great thing: even once a path has formed, a new path can still be learned, and the old one, the one you don't want to use anymore, can be abandoned. With time, the grass will grow over it again, and it will be as if there was never a path there. Again, no one said it would be fast, and no one said it would be easy. It can take a great deal of time and effort, of trial and error, of frustration and setbacks. But it is possible as long as you stick with it. Brains that have sustained damage to major centers of function have taught themselves to regain lost function using other areas of the brain. If the brain can rewire itself so dramatically, we can surely effect a positive change here and there in our character. :)
But to do so requires paying attention to those tiny choices we make in every moment of every day, in being mindful of our words, deeds, and thoughts. Do we have to be perfect all the time? Of course not; that's not possible. Seeking to be perfect all the time is a surefire path to madness; we have to give ourselves permission to be flawed--not to give up trying to be better, but just not trying to be perfect.
The little choices we make in traffic matter, whether we let someone in when we see them trying to merge or turn into the lane. (Because if we do, it's not really going to noticeably slow us down most of the time; there's usually not a whole lot of reason not to.) The little choices we make in the store matter, whether we rush to grab the last item or rush to hop in line before someone or decide to let the person with one item go in front of us when we have a cart full. Even the choices we make in games matter.
I can hear you splutter at this last one, "But it's a game! It's not real! If I decide to burn down the town, nothing really gets destroyed! How can that possibly matter?!?" And I completely understand. I game; I shoot stuff and blow stuff up all the time. I've heard the argument that games are a good place to express urges and dimensions of one's character that one can't express without causing harm in "real life." But let's examine what we know: expressing those dimensions and urges deepens the neural paths for those dimensions and urges; in that respect, our brain doesn't know the difference between "real life" and a game; in that respect, it's ALL real life. If those dimensions and urges aren't things we want to express in "real life", then why do we want to teach them to our brain?
Creating a well-worn neural pathway takes a lot of repetition, time, and practice. So there's plenty of wiggle room there. But if you want to be a good, kind, decent person in "real life", and yet you consistently play an evil, vile, base villain in games, you're going to be sending your brain mixed messages, and you're going to have a harder time being the person you want to be when you're not playing a game.
I've had a lot of people think I'm a stick in the mud because when I play games, I almost always play the good guys. When there are choices of right or wrong to be made, when you can be a hero or a villain; I go with doing what's right and good, even in a game. I can still kill the zombies and slay the dragons, but I do so with the intention to protect and serve, to defend what's good and right. Does that mean I never play the Dark Jedi and gleefully use Force Choke? Not quite. We've all got our moments. :P It just means that those moments are the exceptions, that what I choose to practice being on a regular basis is something else, even when I'm playing a game.
Because we are who we practice being. Whether we're mindfully choosing who we are in that moment or not. Perhaps even more so in the moments when we're not mindful of choosing who we are, because that's when we're engaging our subconscious pathways, when our mind is most open and learning at its deepest levels. I use the example of gaming because I game. But that's just one example; the guiding principle is the same for every moment of our lives, regardless of what we're doing at the time. Playing tennis, letting our minds wander in the shower, ironing the clothes, closing sales at work...whatever we're doing, we're teaching our brains who to be in that moment.
Does that mean we have to censor ourselves every moment? No. That's too harsh, too negative, and not really the right approach. What it does mean is that it's good to be mindful. Whatever we're doing, it's good to have a periodic reality check, to think to ourselves, "Am I acting right now in accord with the person I want to be?" If the answer is "yes", then great! If the answer is "no", then ask yourself, "What do I need to do to bring my actions or thoughts in this moment back into accord with who I want to be?" And then do it. Not that "it" will always be a simple or easy thing to do, but if it's possible, and if it's something that matters to you, then it's worth the time and effort.
Who we are matters. We choose who we are. We are who we practice being, because practice makes perfect...or at least as close to perfect as we can get.
Practice being someone you like and can be proud of.
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