When I started the "Why Does It Matter?" series, I started with the self. Because I wanted to begin at a place that would be as inclusive as possible to the broadest variety of perspectives, and that was the most logical place to begin.
If, however, in the course of conversation, someone were to ask me, "Why does it matter?" it's unlikely that's where I'd start. To me, it matters whether we do the right thing or--as we called it in Part Five--whether we live in ma'at simply because it's the right thing. It's just that simple, and questioning that just Does Not Compute.
I learned at a tender young age, though, that I see the world through very different eyes than many of the people around me. There are a multitude of reasons for this. I suspect that many of them stem from my what's-now-called-Autism-Spectrum-Disorder, and I'm certain we'll end up discussing a good number of those reasons in future posts, but today we'll just touch on one.
I value other people, animals, plants, the air, water, land, etc. simply because they exist. I value them for what they are and because if they were not, the world would be poorer for it. That's simply my system of assigning value. While I can intellectually understand other means of assigning value, I can't fathom adopting another system as my own.
I know I'm not the only one who values things this way, and I know that not everyone values things this way, and that is A-okay. Because what's key is getting to the point where people value themselves, other people, animals, plants, the air, water, land, etc. We're just approaching the same goal from different directions. As long as we're all moving toward the desired perspective, our starting point isn't really what's important. As a chorus of wiser minds and souls than mine have said, there are many paths to a single point. As long as we end up where we need to, and as long as our journey is true, who can say we are wrong?
You might be wondering what I'm talking about, approaching the goal from two directions. Or maybe you already see what I did there. Either way, let's walk the garden path. ;)
Several years back, I was in a training session. The attendees participated in an exercise to compare how much value they place on themselves versus how much value they place on others. The results were illuminating. There wasn't anyone in the group who didn't value either. Among the people who valued others and valued self, the numbers were fairly evenly split. But only a tiny portion of the attendees valued both others and self. And yet, their perspective is the most harmonious, healthy, and appropriate among the possibilities. So those who value not-self and those who value self are both approaching the goal of valuing both, just from different starting points. Because, when balanced with each other, both are good. But when taken individually, both can be destructive.
You may be exclaiming, "What do you mean, 'both can be destructive'?!?!" I can certainly empathize. Depending on your starting point, one will be obvious, and the other will not, so let's discuss both.
We've already spoken some about the dangers of solely valuing self without regard to others. And for those of us who are exposed to it, there's quite a bit said about it in mainstream U.S. culture, though the perspective is also highly glorified as well. When one is solely concerned for themselves, it's all too easy to alienate other people. And we need other people, just as they need us. We need connection and emotional support, even the tough and crusty among us who insist we don't (yeah, I've considered myself among that number ;^P). On a very practical level, we need goods and services from other people. If we alienate them, we don't know who we can trust; we don't know who's honest with us. But mostly, as I've said before, it's a lonely, hollow existence, unfulfilling and ultimately unsatisfying. Focusing on "getting ahead" can appear quite attractive in the short-term because there can be short-term gains. But the things you gain aren't the kinds of things that last, and they aren't the kinds of things with meaning. When one dives into the mad dash to chase for more-more-more, one doesn't live life; one runs from it. Because life isn't about what we have; it's about who we are; it's not about what we do to make money; it's about what we love to do, whom we love, and who loves us. It's great to care about oneself; it's necessary. But taken to excess and not balanced with care for others, it's destructive: to oneself as well as to others.
The more difficult and surprising perspective for me to understand is how the "others-first" point-of-view can be destructive. That may be due in part to the fact that I'm a woman, and in spite of the great strides made in gender equality, there's still differential social conditioning between men and women, at least in the southern U.S. In my admittedly limited experience, men are often conditioned to be more aggressive, competitive, and centered in the self, and women are often conditioned to be more acquiescent, cooperative, and selfless. For the most part, gone are the days of the rigidly-defined gender roles of the man being the breadwinner and the woman being the stay-at-home housekeeper and mother; each gender can choose their role unless financial pressure forces both partners to work. The societal conditioning from the days of those rigid gender roles hasn't completely disappeared, though; there's still quite a bit of holdover. But I digress.
Very often, we're taught that it's good to think of others; it's good to be generous and kind; it's good to serve...and it is. The problem--the destruction--comes in when the drive to put others first is taken to excess and not balanced with self-caring.
All too often, we spend hours and hours of each day seeing to the needs and wants of others. We end up not getting the rest we need, waiting to eat and/or possibly not eating well because we're in a hurry, not taking the time to exercise, to relax, to have some fun/downtime/stress-relief/"me-time". We figure we'll see to ourselves once everyone else is taken care of. And by then we're exhausted. No matter how much we may care about other people, no matter how much we may want to help them, we can't do right by them if we don't take care of ourselves. If we don't make sure we get enough rest, get proper nutrition on a reasonable schedule, drink enough water, get some exercise and "me time", we'll eventually burn through our reserves, and any number of things could happen. We might just be crabby one day. Or we might become ill or fatigued; we might become resentful or burned out or reach our breaking point. But even before anything like that happens, we're still causing harm, to ourselves and to the people we serve.
If we pour our lives into serving others without care for ourselves, it's all too easy to define ourselves simply in terms of serving others, to forget who we are or to never know who we are in the first place. Not only does this deprive us of being able to live a truly full life, it deprives the people around us of having the pleasure to know the individual we would be if we let ourselves learn who we are, and it deprives the world of some truly amazing people.
If we value others without balancing that value with self-value and self-care, we--by definition--devalue ourselves. We engage in self-deprivation by putting others first and saving our needs until all others are met. Since 70% of communication is not what we say or even so much how we say it but what we communicate through other means--known as metacommunication (or meta-communication)--think: is that the message you really want to put out there? Underneath the surface message of service to others, are those the ripples you really want to send outward when you flap your butterfly wings? Is that what you want to say to the people who look to you? "I don't value myself. I'm not worthy. Don't value yourself. You're not worthy. I can't look after myself; there's not enough time; there's not enough money; there's not enough, not enough, not enough. Make sure everyone else is taken care of, but you don't matter enough to take care of yourself because there's not enough."
We can't truly help anyone else unless we take care of ourselves. If we try, we hurt both them and us.
Regardless of the point from which we start, it can be terribly difficult to pick up that other side and get to the desired destination, to the point where everyone is valued. Everyone. However, it's unspeakably vital.
If someone were to ask me, in conversation, why it matters, I'd have difficulty starting with the self because I'm still working on getting to that desired destination. But that's the joy of a life well-lived: there's always more growing to do.
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